So You Want to Be a Better Ally? Start Here

You know that feeling you get when a friend, or someone at work, makes an insensitive comment? 

The one that hits you in the pit of your stomach and you want to say something but don’t know what to say or how to approach them?

Have you experienced that nagging discomfort when you witness inequality but you aren't sure what to do about it? 

Do you genuinely want to help, to say or do something meaningful, but you're stuck? Frozen! 

Worried about saying the wrong thing or unintentionally making things worse?

Sadie has been there!

You're not alone. Allyship feels urgent, important and yes, sometimes intimidating. But the fact that you’re here means you're ready to step up. 

We want you to understand that being an ally isn't about getting everything right immediately; it's about consistently choosing to show up, learn, and act.

 It can be scary, uncomfortable, and yet incredibly rewarding.

We will break down allyship into four practical pillars yielding, listening, learning, and action so you can confidently start (or deepen) your allyship journey right now.

Ready to move past hesitation and into meaningful action? 

What Does It Mean to Be an Ally?

Breaking Down Allyship

At its core, an ally is someone who actively supports and advocates for marginalized communities. Simple, right? Yet it’s often misunderstood. 

Allyship shouldn’t be a performance you put on or a badge you wear. It’s not about making yourself look good or proving you're a “good person.”  

You should strive to be a better human

Allyship is an active, ongoing commitment to creating space and amplifying voices that society has historically overlooked or silenced!

But it’s crucial to get one thing straight first: performative gestures don't make you an ally, they can and most likely will cause harm. 

When your allyship is surface level or insincere, people notice and the message you unintentionally send is that superficial action is enough.

It isn't. Your actions set an example, especially for other white people watching you. Make sure it's the right one.

Why Allyship Isn’t a One-and-Done Thing

Becoming a good ally isn’t a box you check, it’s a journey.

Mistakes will happen, and that’s okay. What matters is how you respond when not if you inevitably mess up.

Humility, self-awareness, and consistency will guide you back onto the path each time you stumble.

The 4 Pillars of Allyship: Your Starting Block

1. Yielding: Making Space Without Taking Over

Yielding is about intentionally stepping back so marginalized voices can be heard loud and clear. This might mean:

• Passing the microphone (literally or figuratively) in meetings, discussions, or community events.
  
• Recommending diverse voices when opportunities arise.
  
• Amplifying rather than overshadowing conversations led by BIPOC individuals.
  

Yielding can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you're used to having your voice heard effortlessly. 

But stepping back to genuinely uplift marginalized voices creates meaningful change and that's worth pushing through any initial discomfort.

2. Listening: Hear What’s Said and What’s Not

The best allies are exceptional listeners. It’s about genuinely tuning into conversations about race, privilege, and oppression without immediately inserting yourself or becoming defensive. Active listening means:

• Being open to feedback even if it stings.
  
• Recognizing what's unsaid, body language, emotions, or underlying frustration.
  
• Acknowledging that discomfort can teach invaluable lessons.
  

Real listening isn’t passive; it’s transformative.

Kevin Smiley

3. Learning: Do the Work

Educating yourself is your responsibility, and thankfully, there are endless resources available:

• Read books like “So You Want to Talk About Race” by Ijeoma Oluo or “How to Be an Antiracist” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo.
  
• Listen to podcasts from diverse perspectives. 1 we recommend is “From Woke to Work: The Anti-Racist Journey”
  
• Explore trusted educators and activists who share their knowledge online.
  

Learning about history, systemic racism, implicit biases, and privilege is crucial. It’s challenging, enlightening, and deeply necessary.

Not sure where to start? Try something tangible, like hitting the road and learning the history that didn’t make your high school textbook. Here’s how we planned our first Black history road trip without losing our minds.

4. Action: Walk the Talk

Words alone won't change the world, actions will. Real allyship involves tangible, meaningful steps:

• Speak up against racism! Even during casual conversations with family or friends. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but when you're committed to your values, your voice can inspire real change around you.
• Make it a habit to regularly support BIPOC-owned businesses. This might require some intentional effort at first, but even small conscious choices can lead to meaningful change.

• Donate your time, skills, or resources to racial justice organizations.
  Taking action can feel scary at first, but remember: even small actions count. Every step forward matters.

Common Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

Centering Yourself

Allyship isn't about highlighting your journey or receiving praise! If you are doing this for an attaboy you are being performative and not truly on a journey to become  a better human. 

Be mindful of how often you center your emotions or experiences in conversations about oppression. 

Take accountability when you mess up, but resist seeking validation or constant reassurance.

Performative Allyship

It’s easy to share a hashtag or repost without genuine follow-up. Meaningful allyship requires actions that make a tangible difference. Opt for substance over appearances, Always.

Fatigue or Giving Up

Privilege grants the luxury of disengagement remember, marginalized communities don’t have this choice. Stay present, even when it’s uncomfortable. Your commitment is essential for growth and change to actually happen.

Allyship in Everyday Life

Recognize Your Privilege

Acknowledging privilege isn’t about shame, it's about awareness. Reflect honestly: have you ever worried about being racially profiled or unfairly targeted because of your race? If not, that's privilege. Remember, privilege doesn’t mean your life has been easy, it doesn’t mean you haven’t been poor,or that you’ve never struggled;  it simply means your race hasn't made it more difficult.

Talk to Other White People

Having uncomfortable conversations within your own circles can be a powerful act of allyship. 

Approach these discussions with empathy, patience, and clarity.

Be ready for pushback or defensiveness, and respond with clarity, firmness, and compassion. 

Avoid making jokes or minimizing the situation, there may be a time and place for humor, but this isn't it.

FAQs About Being a Better White Ally

• What if I say the wrong thing?
  Apologize sincerely, learn from it, and move forward.
  
• How can I stand up to racism without causing a scene?
  Calmly, respectfully, but clearly intervene or call attention to harmful behavior.
  
• Why do some people get offended when I try to help?
  Sometimes people get defensive or upset if they feel you're unintentionally centering yourself, speaking over them, or dismissing their perspective.
  
  If it's other white people who become offended, recognize they may be reacting from guilt, discomfort, or misunderstanding.
  
  In either case, pause and reflect on your approach. Aim for empathy, clarity, and patience, ensuring you actively listen and validate feelings without compromising the core message of why allyship matters.
  
• Should I post about allyship on social media?
  Yes, but ensure your real world actions align with your online persona. We don’t need more performers, we need actual allies.
  
• How can I deal with friends or family who don’t agree with me?
  Having tough conversations about racism with loved ones can be draining, especially when they push back or refuse to listen.
  
  If friends or family continue to make racist comments or jokes after you've clearly explained that it's harmful, stay firm and consistent in speaking up.
  
  Clearly express that their behavior isn’t acceptable to you, and set healthy boundaries to protect your own well-being.
  
  It may mean stepping away from conversations or even relationships if they repeatedly ignore your concerns, but always stay clear and consistent about why you're doing it.
  
• Is it okay to ask BIPOC friends to educate me on racism?
  No, it’s not their responsibility. Instead, use publicly available resources first. Check out our Black History bot for more information and answers to your questions.

Moving from Intention to Action

Allyship isn't about perfection it’s about progression. Every step forward counts, no matter how small or uncertain it feels. 

Start today. Right now, choose one concrete action that moves you closer to the ally you want to be. Embrace the discomfort, learn from your mistakes, and keep moving forward.

Remember: Small steps are still steps. Keep going.